And try to act accordingly. Infidelity has multiple effects on kids, says Nogales. While researching her book, she conducted an online survey of adults whose parents had committed infidelity, mostly when the respondents were young.
She found that 88 percent of them were angered or hurt by the affair, and 76 percent felt personally betrayed by the cheating parent. Seventy-three percent said their own romantic relationships as adults were affected. Therapists warn that kids should never be pushed to take sides, even if your cheating ex is a lout. Even if you tell kids they were not part of the problem, many will wonder whether they did something wrong. After the meaning behind the affair is decoded, couples must decide what the future holds.
For some, like Rachel and Marcus, that means reinventing their deconstructed marriage. For others, like Alison, that means reinventing herself as a single mom, and finding support and community alone. And for some rare couples, the shakeup of an affair may lead to a rejuvenated relationship.
Ginny learned he had been lying to his lover, too, telling her he was divorced. Even worse, he was an alcoholic and abusive. The parents of two kids in Colorado decided to get serious help. Richard enrolled in six weeks of rehab, and after that, they both spent four weeks seeing therapists separately from each other. Then they started eight months of intensive twice-a-week marriage counselling—a major commitment. Through therapy, they were able to trace the origins of the affair and drinking to a serious bout of cancer Richard had gone through.
And Richard was set on changing his ways. He found an accountability app and installed it on both of their phones, allowing Ginny to track his whereabouts and phone activity for a year. Less anger. More love. More honesty. He woke up to his alcoholism and mental issues at long last.
For Rachel and Marcus, their healing has meant managing the home and parenting together as friends—but not romantic partners. After Marcus had another short affair, deeply hurting Rachel yet again, they both decided on a new policy: an open marriage with conditions. It was me who suggested we open things up. Seeing a therapist has helped, too. Some days I think I deserve so much more. I used to lean on him to be my rock. Couples struggling with the aftermath of infidelity often agonize over what to tell the kids.
Many will be tempted to keep it a secret. But often, kids already know more than they let on. Kids often feel personally hurt by revelations of an affair, and they might feel pressured to keep embarrassing details a secret, says psychologist Ana Nogales. What exactly to say depends on their age. Avoid making accusations and emphasize that the adults are going to take care of the problem. They are usually judgmental and not prepared to understand how Dad or Mom betrayed the family. If they ask direct questions, you can be more specific—up to a point.
I can assure you that I love you and that I will be here for you. If parents decide to stay together, they need to know their kids are watching them carefully, says Nogales. Children will be fearing abandonment and will need lots of reassuring. This year, I would barely see my boyfriend for months and it was so difficult. My husband has just received some bad news and must sense that I want to leave because he keeps saying how much he needs me.
But is this a realistic meal in the long-term? But is it possible that the current situation suits him quite well? Is it possible, even, that it suits you? Would you rather be single than remain in your marriage? If nothing changed, it reflects how little motivation either of you has to amend any issues.
What kind of love do you and your boyfriend really have? I'm still friends with both men. We got together young, married out of momentum, had a child and then grew apart. I married the affair partner and we have kids too. I do not advise anyone to do what I did. We were together for four years, had a child together, owned property together, got engaged. Everything seemed perfect, until I found out that he'd been cheating for the entire duration of the relationship.
I learned so much from that experience and came out as a better person. And now, we are not together but we co-parent fantastically and have a civil relationship. So it worked out in the end and made me better. We stayed together until his Visa expired and then parted on good terms.
My ex-husband had gotten engaged and I'm already remarried. We're both much happier. I basically used the affair as a lifeboat out of an unhappy on my end, apparently he was happy relationship.
I wouldn't do it again though. I should have been brave and left without hurting anyone in the process. My ex and I weren't compatible but we pretended we were for years. We met at church at 14 and desperately wanted to show the world what an amazing couple we were. We weren't. He was addicted to porn and got angry if I said no to sex which he wanted daily. He called me fat when I wasn't, he never let me wear the clothes I wanted, he hated my friends, he hated my life choices, he wouldn't let me choose the career path I wanted.
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