Judgment and negativity is the primary diagnostic of absolutism - whether it is ubridled praise or criticism. Acceptance tolerance , enjoyment and enthusism is the primary diagnostic for awareness of the extreme comparative activity of the ego. Human beings absolutely need to develop some "healthy" anxiety displacements - at certain developmental stages - to develop self esteem and confidence in growing up. Children need to be assured that a "Guardian Angel is protecting them from the "boogey man" in closet.
Religion and absolutist belief has its place and function. However, when the displacements become rigidly absolute as the world gets more complex and subtle these psychodynamic strategies become mal-adaptive. The fact that people will become very aggressive in defending absolutist belief is - in itself - a major self-inflicted insanity in humans.
There seems to be a healthy arc of development that involves a increasingly generalized worldview. Then, successful introduction to symbolic social strategie s that provides their own power to influence people and social environment.
Choosing heros, beliefs, activities and groups that allow some sense of security, direction, personal expression and sense of worth and significance. That is, following arbitrary cultural rules or societal expectations - or "world of symbols" representing security and approval 4 Final realization that cultural symbols and expectations go beyond survival needs and begin to become vain, wasteful or even maladaptive to the real environment.
We begin to search for security, meaning and a sense of approval, belonginess, direction from many alternative strategies.
We accept no world view is absolute. Finally separating imaginery status symbols from the actual biological requirements of healthy and happy social life. Thursday, December 4, -- PM. God is Fire, Water, Air. God is the Life, Existance of Life , and Death.
These have immense power which does not have a shape. We can see it, We can fell it but we fail to reliase it, We tend to look for answers womewhere else. Friday, June 5, -- PM. I am a tortured agnostic erring on the side of atheism.
I want to believe but I can't. I got here by googling 'how can people believe in God' and found this. The article helped, but the comments didn't. Too many of the comments hold the existence of God to be self-evident without managing to provide any substantial reason why.
They believe it, and therefore it is true. This scares me because it makes me realise why religions have always historically fought each other - they are unable to give substantial reasons why the other is wrong.
The universe seems meaningless. There is no Great Protector. There is only us, and our meaningless existences, and there is faith, and belief, which people die defending. There is war, and horror, and uncertainty. It is the uncertain man who is intelligent and the certain man who is stupid. The difference is that the certain man has no fear. Irrationality is required for civilization to progress. But irrationality is what makes humanity blow itself to pieces. I want to believe, but if God created the universe and has the power to stop evil but chooses not to, surely he is evil?
What sort of God would sit back and watch something like the Holocaust? What sort of God would create harlequin babies? What sort of God would create a Hell to punish the sinners for ever and ever?
An insane one, that's what. Friday, October 16, -- PM. What mastermind could put together 66 books by more than 40 authors and have it written over a period of years? Incredibly, all of these authors point to the same two ultimate destinations: first, an everlasting paradise offered as a free gift to those who believe; and second, a place of eternal torment for those who reject the gift. What could this many authors possibly gain by coming up with such an extraordinary story on their own and then presenting it as truth?
It certainly didn't make their lives any easier. Why would some of these same authors allow themselves to be tortured to death rather than recant their message? These clues provide healing from spiritual insanity for anyone who is open-minded. Are you open-minded or close-minded about Christ? Who would ever make up a story that a God of love sent His only Son to suffer torture at the hands of men? How loving is that unless God really did love the world so much that He sent His Son to die for our sins just as the Bible states?
Why out of thousands of religions in the world does only one religion offer forgiveness of sins as a free gift? Why does this one religion just so happen to be the only religion that has each of these 40 authors over years describing the same reality?
How did they all get their writings to fit together so well and with so much consistency? Were each one of these authors insane, except for their remarkable ability to agree with one another about heaven and hell and the Messiah?
If they were not insane, then why would all the authors over many centuries contribute to such a conspiracy of deceit about a mythical God and a far-fetched narrative of redemption?
Do you have enough faith and enough evidence to truly believe that it has all just been a worldwide hoax? Are you sane enough to see how it takes more faith based on less evidence to reject Christ than it takes to accept Him as your Lord and Savior? How insane is it for you to live 80 years upon this earth for yourself just hoping that the Bible is wrong about Jesus and about heaven and hell? How crazy is it for you to risk spending one year in agony, yet alone forever and ever in unimaginable torment?
Who would ever lie and make up such a place? If you don't believe in absolutes, then you are not really positive that Christianity is wrong, are you? Please read this next sentence slowly and carefully: Are you really willing to risk spending billions upon billions of years in hell rather than repent of your sin and accept a free gift from a loving God who has given us a written revelation of eternity? What if you really were insane on this issue?
You wouldn't know that you were insane, would you? Are you willing to admit that it is possible that you are insane about Christianity and about your need for salvation? How can you be absolutely sure that Christianity is wrong and that you are right?
Not the 40 authors over years, but you! What makes you the right one? There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.? Proverbs To quote a well-known motivational speaker from the ? Stop the Insanity? Do you realize why God has allowed you to read this article right now at this very moment in your life? If you are unwilling to be healed of your spiritual insanity, then you won? That rejection of God's good news for you would provide you with proof of the insanity of unbelief.
Are you too insane to recognize your own insanity, or is there a glimmer of spiritual sanity in your soul today? Tuesday, November 17, -- PM. Being smart doesn't mean you're honest. It might even mean you're a clever and intelligent liar. While it's possible for smart people who have integrity problems to pretend a belief in god, even smartly--any modern educated human being who truthfully and without evasion asks probing questions about the existence of god will come up with a negative.
But that's been the case for near a years now. Sunday, December 20, -- PM. God is nothing but a fragment created by the human mind so that they can live their lives believing they are safe.
Tuesday, December 29, -- PM. The God in whom I believe has created an infinite universe which is growing at an infinite speed. The God in whom I believe has an unlimited control over us, he doesn't need us. The God in whom I believe has created an automated instant punishment system that he doesn't need an end day. The God in whom I believe lets the death being a transfer to another life, better or worse depending on our yields. The God in whom I believe is the center of the universe, he has created himself from nothing and created the universe instantly without suffering.
This is the God in whom I believe! The God in Whom I believe doesn't need us to fight for him. The God in Whom I believe doesn't let us fight each other for him. The God in Whom I believe doesn't need us to believe in him.
The God in Whom I believe knows us because he created us, he doesn't need to test us! The God in Whom I believe doesn't need to limit our liberty as we do not offense others.
The God in Whom I believe has created an automated instant rewarding system and an automated instant punishment system that he doesn't need to do it himself at a verdict day. The God in Whom I believe is equitable, So if our actual circumstances are different it is because our anterior life yields were different. We deserve our actual life! The God in Whom I believe is clement. He can't put us in the hell forever for any reason.
He just doesn't mind if we believe in him or not because he has all the control over us. Tuesday, January 5, -- PM. There should not even be an argument for this crap.
There is no God, there is no Devil, no one or thing has a soul. Anyone who believes in any of these things is most certainly delusional. I cannot believe that this BS has gone on for so long, has shaped the world we live in, the laws we abide to, the wars we fight All religions are retarded. I respect people's right to pursue happiness, and if that is religion, then so be it. But in no shape or form do I have to respect their choice. You do not even have to be smart or articulate to argue the case of the non-existence of religion.
It just is not so. I strongly recommend any person with a sliver of self respect to stop believing in religion, souls, magic, energies, ghosts, or anything of the kind because they do not exist and I will not listen to anyone's argument that they do, because anyone who wants to argue that these things are real is a moron with mental problems and I would rather enjoy sushi, wine, or sex. God can suck my phallic rod, well actually no, he can't, because he does not exist.
I will sell you my soul for the price of for free, but you won't get anything, because it does not exist. Maybe I will see you in hell, but most certainly won't, because it will not exist.
Ok, well I am done here. I'm going to go to the homeless guy on the corner and buy him a forty, because I know that it will make me feel good inside, and he will get drunk and forget his life sucks for a minute.
Friday, March 12, -- PM. To that guy that claims to have a 4. You may be have a certain strong suit If you believe in god however, rational thinking is not one of your strong points.
Sunday, April 18, -- PM. Monday, March 15, -- PM. I love Jesus. GOD is real, if u dont believe me then u can argue that out with him on judgement day, a non-believer has to admit at some point in his life he has felt a gnawing sensation in his heart but didnt know what it was, im right u know it! If u ask for the holy spirit u will get it, he will guide u, and no im not taking any medications, as a nurse i know that alters ur mind. I'll be praying for u. Jesus loves u. Jesus loves u!! Wake up from ur sleep all u nations!
Saturday, April 3, -- PM. It is easiest to decide who is "correct" by simply picking out the arguments that are presented coherently. They mostly seem to suggest a lack of a singular God. The Bible has every answer because it is completely contradictory. There is an advert on TV here for a religious show, and the guy on the screen says "Come join me in God's unconditional love" then I say mmm Pillar of Salt?
Why are the religions fighting one another? Don't all religions preach peace? What contradictory Bible verse would be a good rebuttal? Wednesday, April 7, -- PM. I do not 'believe' in either god or man, because since BCE man claimed himself to be god and demanded to be called Lord. Patriarchy and slavery blossomed into full feudalism. Friday, September 10, -- PM. Wow - it's amazing what you can find on the Internet. As I study for our small group session this week, on making a case for God's existence, I am wondering at the depth of emotion across the spectrum of belief presented here.
I can't force you to believe in God and I can't convince you to believe in God. Only you can make that decision. Jesus died on the cross and defeated a mortal death so that each of us could have a personal relationship with Him. All I can do is share that with you and whether you choose to accept Him or not is your decision. Would the atheists be happy if God forced himself on us? If we were all little white-robed wearing proselytes with no free will? Who knows. Secularists want me to take responsibility for my own life, yet, when I do that and make the most important decision anyone can make, they mock.
Blaise Pascal had a personal experience that revealed to him the existence of God. Then he chose to present the case for belief in a mathematical, reasoned way. And people still mocked him. I'm not saying that Pascal's Wager is the best foundation on which to believe in God - far from it. But for those that are seeking meaning in this life, it is one of countless arguments for at least considering the truth of God's existence.
The Bible, from beginning to end, is the story of God's effort to redeem mankind. Over and over, time after time, man turned away from God to his detriment.
Over and over, time after time, God gave mankind another chance. Finally, as was His plan all along, God said, "Here's what I'll do - I will make the ultimate sacrifice and blot out all the terrible things mankind has done. All anyone has to do is believe in Me, accept that what I have done will re-establish the bond I had with mankind in the very beginning, and those who choose to receive My gift will be with Me for eternity, in peace.
You didn't like that but if you were honest with yourself you admitted that you had messed up and deserved to be punished. Hell wasn't created for us but as we continued to disobey God over the centuries, it was clear that of the two places available to spend eternity, it was the most suitable for the disobedient. But you say, "That's not fair!
When you were a kid your parents told you, "If you do this then here's what will happen. He gives us the free will to do so and the full knowledge of the consequences.
I'd say that's pretty darn fair. If we had no idea - if we went through our entire lives without the Bible or church or any knowledge of God and His eternal plan - and we ended up in Hell because we had stolen a pack of gum when we were 14, then that would be unfair.
But He has revealed His plan to us; He's given us the rule book; He's told us everything we need to know in order to believe in Him and re-establish our relationship with Him. He's given us the road map to Heaven. And He has given us free will to choose how we will live our lives. To paraphrase Rod Serling, "There's a signpost up ahead, and on it are two destinations. Sunday, September 12, -- PM. Well, Mike, if the discussion wasn't already dead, that should pretty well finish it.
What can anyone say to that iron-clad argument but "amen"? Saturday, September 25, -- PM. I belive there is a god. Friday, October 19, -- AM. I advise to those in doubt to continue to research the Christian beliefs. Consider context, history and science when addressing the scripture. Remember that you can't get a simple answer to a question that isnt simple.
You can't warp Christian belief into your own premature idea then attack that form of "Christian" belief. There is plenty of evidence to, at the very least, arouse suspicion. I too am curious if it is all true. Which has lead me to much study and its odd how different religions such as Catholicism, Hinduism, Christianity, Buddhism and Islam actually were compared to my current view of them at the time.
I am not saying you need to study every religion. I am saying if you choose to attack one then I suggest knowing it. However, I dont advise attacking a religion. I would suggest debating and duscussing it with respect. Skip to main content. Search form Search. Kenneth Taylor. See you soon.
Believing in God. Related Shows William James Nov 09, Worship May 10, Worship is the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for something. Believing in God Oct 29, Some have argued that there aren't any good arguments for believing in God. Faith, Reason, and Science Oct 14, Does faith obscure reason? Mar 23, Has science replaced religion? Intelligent Design Jan 17, Is there any reason to think the cause or causes of order in the universe bear an even remote analogy to human intelligence?
Dec 15, In most Western democracies, religions are exempt from certain rules and regulations that most other organizations have to follow.
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December The Examined Year: — Uncut. On Morally Condemning the Past. Philosophical Freud. Foucault on Power. The Creative Life. Does Reputation Matter? Anti-Semitism If you have read the bible, you should have enough information to tell them that it is full of contradictions and exaggerations, and as the late, great Christopher Hitchens said, religion poisons everything. Well, no. Loose your job, or play games with the Christians?
You will have to tell them sooner or later. Presumably you arrived at your decision by reason. Use that unholy gift of reason to tell them where you stand.
You cannot be burned at the stake or sent to permanent torture any more for your views. If you have read your bible you should be able to point out the contradictions, exaggerations and downright bullshit in aforesaid volume that set you on the road to reason.
Let them pretend to believe in the tooth fairy, god, bigfoot, whatever, the burden of proof is on them. And this will be very much dependent on circumstance, as you are aware. For example you seem to be less worried about pretending, or at least keep a low profile, at scouts but find that your sense of integrity gets in the way when it comes to being upfront with those who matter.
To me this suggests a good sense of perspective, and common sense. Is it standard to do confirmation in late teens in your community? These people keep laying on praise and they think that your accomplishments are partly because of your belief in god.
Actually, the church at which I am getting confirmed does it in 11th grade because they want people to be as mentally mature as possible, but not in college yet. If you have read your bible you should be able to poin…. I did arrive at my conclusion through reason. I attend a catholic school, but the more religion classes I take the more contradictions I see with religion.
I was agnostic for two years because I could not refute arguments from either side, but as I examined the issue more closely I realized that all theistic arguments that I have seen so far could be refuted.
If I wanted to I could throw boatloads of evidence against the existence of a deity at them, but they would disapprove of me. Why is it not the same for religion? I have my own mind; nobody has any reason to assume that I will use it, because I will. First of all, like others I am very impressed by your clarity and maturity — which extends to considering your families feelings. It is a difficult balance, but from this great distance! I think you are right to conclude it is better to go through with it all for now.
Perhaps it is possible to salvage something positive for yourself — the prayer times could be periods when you reflect on your own private beliefs in humanity and you could genuinely wish the best for your family, even the church.
By this I mean you might somehow divert the frustration and perhaps anger at being railroaded into this into strengthening your existing determination to act honestly and compassionately towards others. This might help you in the probably inevitable time at some point when you do tell them, or at least stop going to church so often or at all. I also agree with others that you are probably not the only atheist in the church, let alone the town, but obviously they are under the same pressures that you are.
Overcoming harmful religious dogma is a long term project which will surely outlive everyone here — we can only do now what we can only do now — you will be able to do more in the years ahead.
I am assumed to… It appears as though waiting for 11th grade to confirm is an attempt to get at the youth just before they become full participants in the world at large. Maybe last chance to inoculate them from worldly influences. Your only responsibility IMO is to enjoy the gathering and be gracious.
But, well, here goes. I was raised Catholic and we were confirmed in 5th or 6th grade. I was wondering about 17 being the age of confirmation.
Has your confirmation been delayed? I am assumed to…. As such I have no regrets about the event, though I was at Uni by that point. Obviously with you being older there will have been more indoctrination than I was subject to, and it will take longer to work out of your system. Some of that will be emotional, your family is an unknown quantity for us, so you will have to judge their probable reaction yourself.
Are they regular churchgoers? Do they allow the religion to infiltrate ordinary life, or do they just pay lip-service? As for general advice; plan for the worst, hope for the best. Bottom line is; are they likely to kick you out and would you be capable of dealing with that outcome? The church at which I am getting confirmed has everybody get confirmed in 11th grade because our minds are more developed than in middle school.
Most people go to confirmation classes for three years so that they are motivated to stay catholic their whole life, but since I go to a catholic school, my parents only signed me up for the last year, which is required.
My mom is protestant, so this is not as big of a deal to her side of the family, but both my parents want me confirmed. This is why they never even bothered to consult me before they signed me up. Perhaps it is possible to sal…. I have been thinking the past few days why atheists and people of different religions are enemies despite that they mostly all share the goal of peace on earth and a happy world.
I am very angry at religion, but I know that attacking it will just make its believers angry and hostile to atheism. Since religion evolutionarily, we have learned from observation has to exist, I wish atheists and religious people could work together to achieve common goals. Sadly, religion is too preoccupied with condemning homosexuals and telling people not to use condoms. Hitchens was right when he said that religion poisons everything.
But you have already made the most important decision of your life — to reject the dogma of religion, to reject a superstitious belief system. This was a most courageous and mature act of conscience and free thought. I suggest that you now follow the path you have chosen, rather than waiting for an uncertain moment later in life. In this way, you will not be forced to deceive your family by an action you will certainly regret in the future.
Instead, you will complete a conversion of free conscience of which you can be very proud. I suggest that you might be able to achieve this with the least trauma by writing a letter to all members of your family, explaining your decision as a moral free-thinking person.
I think informing your family by writing is somewhat easier for everyone than announcing your decision in person. It puts some distance between you and the family and allows time for everyone to think before responding. I think If your family loves and respects you, they will ultimately accept your decision.
Not all atheists consider religious people to be their enemies and vice versa. There is a difference between attacking religion and being honest about what you think. An attack on religion as I define it is an emotional utterance. I completely agree that kind of action is pointless. Being honest with religious people about why you think the way you do, the problems you see with religion, etc. I disagree.
Again, this is where studying history can be helpful. There are all sorts of ideas that people assumed had to exist because they were with us for so long that are now mostly gone. Slavery used to be common place and accepted. A few hundred years ago it was considered unthinkable to have a major western i. I think atheism is just one more example like that, something that the human race will eventually come to embrace.
As I said they do all the time. All those groups have religious people and atheists working side by side for common goals and no one cares what faith you are or if you have no faith at all.
Some religions spend all their time doing that not all of them by any stretch. I go to a catholic school, my parents only signed me up for the last year, which is required.
This is why they never even bothered to consult me before they signed me up…. So that eliminates the possibility of family repercussions, but highlights the threat to your possible qualifications. You and your parents are having your arms twisted. So, what price principles? Are you willing to risk your chances of employment or further education, or do you fly false colours for the day?
Given that you are seventeen years of age, and not ten or twelve as when I was confirmed , it strikes me as ethically amiss that you have not been formally asked whether you wish to be confirmed.
Regardless of what the sacrament of confirmation is supposed to mean, you are too old be put through it without your own consent. Many years ago I had a Boyfriend who tried to convert me to his faith. I was in two minds as I just wanted to please him. Cutting a very long story short, I end up hating going to church and pretending to believe in something which I was not interested in. You are what you are.
Never waste your life trying to be something which you are not. I am now a member of the Atheists society and proud of it. They would demand to know why. Besides, my extended family already has plans to come. Their response would be worse than if I just told them that I was atheist. I would tell them that I am atheist, but I am not that brave.
I wish I were. I am rightfully not asked for consent before I take a science class. Wow, you have some great responses and critiques to what I said which require a response.
I see you want me to be very careful that everything I say is factual, which will not happen without me devoting large amounts of time to making sure it is. Most religious people I know want nothing to do with atheists.
They are all catholic, and some religious people may be different. I know some are different However, religious people willing to work with atheists constitute a minority of religious people. I would venture to say this is because most religious people have not been exposed to atheism, so they buy into the negative stereotypes.
Many religious people also hold conservative social views, and if these are their main objectives, atheists do not share common goals. Although both religious people and atheists want a peaceful world, most atheists want homosexuals to be able to marry and women to have reproductive rights, things that conservative religious people strongly oppose.
Good point. I certainly hope religion is significantly weakened during this century. However, I am not as optimistic as most atheists. This is perhaps because everywhere I go people are very religious school, home, boy scouts.
I see people who never question their faith. Considering that people are raised almost completely in this setting, I find it hard to believe that their children and grandchildren will be likely to lose their faith even in a changing world. Maybe I need to look less at my observations of the world and more at statistics on society as a whole, but I know firsthand the power of indoctrination and the enormous difficulty of escaping it.
I can see firsthand how people with minds less skeptical than mine cannot abandon their religion. Wow, I should look at some colleges in San Francisco. I have heard before that it is very atheist- friendly, which would be a breath of fresh air compared to the Midwest which I love very much. My dad today warned me that at secular colleges I might be ridiculed for being catholic. We have to be careful not to over generalize from our specific experiences. Partly because the world is a big diverse place and also because even our own experiences come with bias.
What is important to take note of, and what often gets ignored on sites like this, is that religious people do work closely with atheists all the time and that religious people can be very moral people who lead exemplary lives. I gave examples of all those in my previous comment. UC Berkeley and Stanford are both amazing places.
Both have very high academic standards and they are just very cool places to be. And there are plenty of other schools that are quite good as well. I can understand Christian doctrine being a compulsory subject at a Catholic school, but reception of a sacrament is a little different.
However, the situation you are in is as it is, and I think you are being very levelheaded and mature about it. Going through with the ceremony of confirmation is part of the upbringing your parents have provided you with. It is an important community occasion in a Catholic community I was raised Catholic too, back in the s and s , and that community aspect of Catholic and family life you seem to appreciate. So make the most of it — it will be a genuine part of who you are — the son of Catholic parents, raised in a Catholic community.
It will probably be your last significant experience in the Catholic community and it need not be unpleasant. Let it be something you can remember as representing all the positive things in your Catholic upbringing. It will not be long before you have the freedom to drop Catholic observances and start expressing your own thoughts and values. There is no cowardice in this course of action, just the good sense of protecting what is good in your life e.
I wish you all the best. I was raised Catholic but became atheist during my first year of high school, roughly as soon as I was able to think seriously about such things. I think I was 14 at the time. I was also afraid to tell my immediate family, fearing my parents might disown me. My father was especially devout and we were every-week churchgoers. When I went away to college I stopped going to church.
I told them I no longer believed during my first year of college. Since it sounds like you have people already making preparations to travel, I think you should stay the course for now and enjoy the family aspect of the event. Let your beliefs become more open when the time is right. I see you want me to be very careful that everything I say is factual, which will not happen without me devoting large amounts of time to making sure….
I think that religion is just some stupid nonsens and not worth wasting any thoughts on it. Just take the award and the presents and forget about it. Of course you should avoid direct lies to people you love, but traditional celebrating your coming closer to adulthood should be possible without that.
Good luck! Okay this may seem a bit harsh but just fake it. They are foolish people. Let them believe that you are a thiest. Get what you can from them. Then forsake their faith. I was an agnostic from the ages of and an athiest then onwards. As long as it gives you a chance to survive in this competitive world, pretending is fine; although not very noble.
In life one always balances expediency against principle. Weigh the costs. But the costs may be too high. You can always renounce such behavior later on when the costs are less. Personally, I have always been a very out atheist. Anybody heard of Berthold Brecht, Keuner Stories? Here, the Keuner story about violence which might fit here perfectly? Then I read passages like Heb 6 and get scared that I have done too much that is wrong and cannot come back to him.
I just feel scared. Will God accept me? I'm sorry to hear that you are scared and I have been praying for you and will continue to. Those that believe who Jesus says He is, have heard from God for this does not come from the natural man or the enemy. So that is you And that is the work that God tells humanity to do. But it is really important that you start dwelling on the promises of God to save.
For example the Bible says:. You have called on His name. You now need to start believing that God is faithful to His promise Feeling and experiences are nice to have but they don't change His promises one bit. Feelings come and go but His word and promises are true always.
When anyone spends a lot of time on verses that are troubling like Hebrews which is not a verse that applies to someone like you who does believe instead of filling your mind with the truth of His grace and wonderful promises, fear enters.
Whatever we fill our minds with will result in how we feel. Hence you are always scared. In terms of dwelling on the right things, please read the following and follow this example. It is from a book that I really like called 'Grace plus Nothing'. The author was in a very dark bad spot and like you, didn't believe that God would save him or bring him out of it.
But in despair he decided to do something. He decided to pretend that God loved him. This book helped me a lot as a young believer. So here is what happened as told by the author Jeff Harkin. Please read it all. In my life was nearly snuffed out, and God did an incredible thing. I had spent five years full of anger against God because he seemingly had not fulfilled his promises to me , full of anger against myself for not being what I felt God wanted me to be , and, of course, full of anger against others because I blamed others for most of my problems.
This anger caused me ultimately to carry a gun and to think often of murder and suicide. In , I became deathly ill and had to be hospitalized for over three months. I went from to pounds. My death became so certain that one day my doctor called my parents, who lived two hundred miles away, and told them that if they wanted to see me alive they needed to be at the hospital before five o'clock that afternoon.
The Lord did not, repeat, did not put me in that hospital! But I didn't know that at the time. I thought God was punishing me for all my sin and failure.
Obviously, I didn't die, but I got out of the hospital and returned to my flea-infested apartment. I weighed about pounds. My return home was a return to depression and hopelessness and marijuana! The only way I can describe it is that my total environment was dark all the time—no light at the end of any tunnel. Just more tunnel! The only friends I had who I felt totally comfortable with were my two cats.
I was ten thousand dollars in debt with medical bills and no work. Psychedelic music and paperback books were the mainstays of my environment. What a horrible fate, what agony, especially for a person whose self-worth had been totally based on his productivity!
Life was over for me, even though I had not stopped breathing. I still hated everyone.
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